19 posts tagged “goofy stuff”
What's the closest thing you have to a time machine?
Submitted by Verisimilitude.
That would be my talking Tardis piggy bank.
Found this in my yahoo email today- hmmmmmm, where to start?
--- On Tue, 7/15/08, Internal Revenue Service wrote:
From: Internal Revenue Service
Subject: Your Refund Amount Is $620.50 !
To:
Date: Tuesday, July 15, 2008, 11:22 AM
Share a song that makes you laugh.
"My Baby Loves A Bunch of Authors" by Moxy Fruvous
Well you should see my story-reading baby, you
should hear things that she says
She says "Hon, drop dead, I'd rather go to
bed with Gabriel Garcia Marquez"
Cuddle up with William S. Burroughs, leave on the light for bell hooks
I been flirtin' with Pierre Burton 'cause he's so smart in his books
I like to go out dancing
My baby loves a bunch of authors
My heart's so broke and bleedin'
Baby's just sittin' there doin' some readin'
So I started watching some TV, played my new CD player too
She said "Turn it off or I'll call the cops,
and I'll throw the book at you"
All this arguing made me get dizzy, called
my doctor to came have a look
I said "Doctor, hurry!" She said: "Don't
worry, I'll be over when I finish
my book"
I like to go out dancing
My baby loves a bunch of authors
We've been livin' in hovels
Spendin' all our money on brand new novels
So I got myself on the streetcar and it drove right into someone
The driver said: "I was looking straight ahead!" but he was reading the
Toronto Sun
So my honey and me go to a counsellor to help figure out what we need
She said: "We'll get your love growin', but
before we get goin' here's some
books I'd like you to read"
I like to go out dancing
My baby loves a bunch of authors
Lately we've had some friction
'Cause my baby's hooked on short works of fiction
So we split and went to a party, some friends my girl said she knew
But what a sight 'cause it's authors night and
the place looks like a who's who
Now I'm poundin' the Ouzo - with Mario Puzo
Who's a funny fella? - W.P. Kinsella
Who brought the cat? - would Margaret Atwood?
Who needs a shave? - he's Robertson Davies!
Ondartje started a food fight, salmon mousse all over the scene
Spilled some dressing on Doris Lessing these writer types are a scream!
I like to go out dancing
My baby loves a bunch of authors
We'll be together for ages
Eatin' and sleepin' and turnin' pages
The following 2 video clips had me in hysterics! Who actually BUYS this stuff?!?
I am a complete wuss when it comes to horror movies. I like a few of them anyway, but it's hard for me to get through them. My favorites are the Friday the 13th & Halloween sagas.
Anyway, for me to get through a horror flick, I need a few things. Well, one thing- I need something to bury my face in and scream. My friends laugh at me, but I don't care- when it gets too gory, I just can't look. My former best friend and I used to stage movie marathons at her house on weekends. Her mom & little sister saved what they called my scream pillow, just for me to shriek into.
I'm apparently a fun date for this reason. Take me to a horror movie, boys, and I'll probably wind up in your lap with my face buried in your neck. I also tend to stick my fingers in my ears- seeing icky stuff doesn't bother me nearly as much as hearing it. Sounds stick around in my brain longer and I tend to imagine worse stuff than I see onscreen.
Anyway, one weekend Cassandra's mother & sister were gone for the night. She & I had watched wrestling and a couple of the Halloween movies, and were about halfway through an episode of Tales From the Crypt. I don't remember a lot about the episode other than it took place in a supposedly deserted house during a storm. It was actually storming where we were, too, which made it even more unnerving for me. The duplex apartment they lived in was surrounded by trees (which were whipping around in the wind, occasionally banging into the windows) and the neighbors on either side weren't home.
At the height of the show, just when the killer was about to strike, there was a loud crack and the power went out. (We later found out lightning had struck the transformer down the street.) Right as that happened, there was a terrific pounding on the door, like the TV killer was trying to break into the house. I start screaming like a banshee, Cass (also screaming) runs to the locked back door and tries to tear it open without unlocking it. Still screaming and unable to see, I tried to join her, only to trip over every conceivable piece of furniture in the living room before falling flat on my face on the kitchen floor.
The front door flies open-
Her mom & sister were standing there with my sort-of boyfriend. He'd dropped by to join us for the late show. (We WERE the late show) They had come home early due to the storm. The pounding was him, first attempting to scare us (boy did he ever succeed), then trying to get in because he thought something was wrong when we started screeching. (Yeah, my heart stopped beating, jerk!)
As mentioned in an earlier blog, my friend Cass & I used to get together and watch horror movies. We were also wrestling buddies- we went to just about every WCW show in NC from 1989-1993. It worked out nicely- I had a crush on Road Warrior Hawk, she liked Animal. I wanted Scott Steiner (before the steroids ate his brain); she had a thing for Rick.
Our birthdays were 3 days apart- hers was August 11th (she got stuck sharing with Hulk Hogan), mine is August 14th. (I got Bobby Eaton- hah!) WCW was doing a show in Charlotte on the 12th one year, so of course we had to be there.
It was a fun trip. We got a hotel room- brought our own co-birthday cake (aka my infamous, lethal rum cake) - and were ready to party. Some of the local boys had given us a number to call when we hit town, so we called them up.
Now, I had promised Cass we would go see the movie of her choice for her birthday. (You think I'd know better after she wanted us to go see Michael Bolton the year before....have I told that story yet?) Sure enough, a new Friday the 13th movie was out- guess what she wanted to see? So we rounded up a few of the boys and headed to the theater.
I should mention here that Cass had spent a great deal of time describing my reaction to horror movies to the boys who were dying laughing at me. I retaliated by imitating her "death dance"- this little move she would do when she sensed a character was about to get snuffed- but still got the worst of the ribbing. On the other hand, I got to sit between 2 hunks who were fine with the idea of me burrowing into them when I got freaked out.
So the plot of this one, besides Jason killing everyone in sight, is that Jason is actually blown to pieces by a bomb or something. He gets reincarnated when the doctor examining his remains does the grossest thing I've seen in one of these movies: he picks up the suddenly beating heart and eats it. The whole theater saw it coming- I had literally slid out of my seat and was crouched on the floor with both of the guys crouching over me, and a lot of the other moviegoers were covering their eyes and making sick noises. Then I realize I'm not alone on the floor- Cass is down there too!
This is the woman who normally drinks cherry soda, eats hot dogs/pizza/whatever during the sickest scenes in any movie we watch, and she's freaking out at this scene. I couldn't help it, I pulled an Eddie Murphy. (from one of his old stand-up routines) "Bitch, I paid $5 for you to see this movie; you better get up there and watch it!"
She never lived it down. And now the story is on the web for the world to see....hee hee.
I have tried to post these several times, but my computer has locked up every time. So I am giving it one more shot- without the pictures that I managed to get uploaded- and if this doesn't work, I give up.
1. Many moons ago when I was a freshman at UNC-Chapel Hill, I had a dreaded early AM Spanish class. The fastest route to this class, halfway across campus from my dorm, was to cut through the arboretum. There were few, if any, people in the arb at that time of day. I realized after a week or two that I wasn't walking alone. A little brown squirrel had taken to "walking" me to class- leaping from tree to tree beside the path as I walked. I was even more amazed to realize that the little guy was walking me home after class as well. Being the nut that I am, I started talking to him as I walked. He'd occasionally chitter back at me- it was probably one of the best friendships I made there.
Well, one morning there was someone else in the arb. A guy was walking up the path toward me-not in a threatening way or anything- just walking towards the dorms. My little squirrel leapt from the tree and landed smack in the center of the sidewalk between us. We both stopped to see what was going to happen next. The guy looked at me as if to say WTF? Not sure what was happening, I just shrugged.
So he took a couple of steps to the left- so did the squirrel. Tried stepping to the right with the same results. Finally he said, 'screw it" and started to come past me. The squirrel jumped 4 feet straight up in the air, puffed his fur out, and let out a screech that could curl your hair! The guy shrieked and went careening off the path through the bushes trying to get away from it. My little furry friend chased him a few feet before coming back to me.
I stood there laughing my ass off. Chipper, as I finally named the little guy, looked at me for a minute, climbed back up into the trees, and proceeded up the path like nothing strange had occurred. When he realized that I hadn't moved yet, he came back, gave me a scolding chitter, and more or less herded me to class.
2. We had moved into a house with a big magnolia tree in the middle of our backyard. There was a squirrel that lived in the tree and was one of the sassiest little things you've ever seen. Scotty would sit in front of the backdoor and whine like crazy to be let out- the squirrel would be out there taunting him. I mean this thing would literally bend over and shake its tail at him.
So one of us would let Scotty out and he'd go tearing across the yard, barking his fool head off, and the squirrel would wait til the last minute and race up the tree. Scotty would bounce around under the branches, growling and waiting for him to come back down. Depending on the season, the squirrel would chunk magnolia pods down at him.
Anyway, one day the little beast was up to his usual tricks. I let Scotty out the back door just as my dad was pulling into the driveway, so he also got to witness what came next. As usual, the squirrel waited til Scotty was right on top of him before tearing up the tree. Only this time, it scampered out onto a branch that had been damaged during a hurricane. as the squirrel started dancing on the branch and chittering at Scotty, there was a loud crack. The branch fell out of the tree with the squirrel clinging to it and landed squarely on Scotty's back. (it was a small limb- probably about 2 feet long and as big around as my thumb) Scotty's feet went out from under him, spread-eagled, like something in a Tom & Jerry cartoon.
He lay there for a minute, stunned. The squirrel seemed to be paralyzed. Then Scotty slowly turned his head so that he was nose to nose with the squirrel. They looked at each other for a moment, the squirrel let out the rodent version of "EEEEEK!" and shot back up the tree with my silly dog woofing at him.
The whole thing probably only lasted a minute or so, but it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I was clinging to the door frame, laughing fit to kill. My dad was sitting on the hood of the car clutching his side, he was laughing so hard. Scotty shook himself and came over to be petted.
The squirrel left him alone for a few days after that. I think he was testing all the branches in the tree to make sure it didn't happen again!
Many blessings and wishes for good things go out to Dewitte for posting this on his blog! THIS made a crappy day much better!
How do you stay in shape?
I've spent the last two weeks slowly demolishing a carrot cake with cream cheese icing. Top that off with chips & dip, egg rolls several times a week, and a couple of pints of Haagen Dazs. Add some misc. fried food, and there you are.
What? Round is a shape. Besides, you have to try this---it's awesomely good!
