7 posts tagged “random crap”

Major Service FAIL

Taken from today's random emails:

I have tried to post these several times, but my computer has locked up every time. So I am giving it one more shot- without the pictures that I managed to get uploaded- and if this doesn't work, I give up.

1. Many moons ago when I was a freshman at UNC-Chapel Hill, I had a dreaded early AM Spanish class. The fastest route to this class, halfway across campus from my dorm, was to cut through the arboretum. There were few, if any, people in the arb at that time of day. I realized after a week or two that I wasn't walking alone. A little brown squirrel had taken to "walking" me to class- leaping from tree to tree beside the path as I walked. I was even more amazed to realize that the little guy was walking me home after class as well. Being the nut that I am, I started talking to him as I walked. He'd occasionally chitter back at me- it was probably one of the best friendships I made there.

Well, one morning there was someone else in the arb. A guy was walking up the path toward me-not in a threatening way or anything- just walking towards the dorms. My little squirrel leapt from the tree and landed smack in the center of the sidewalk between us. We both stopped to see what was going to happen next. The guy looked at me as if to say WTF? Not sure what was happening, I just shrugged.

So he took a couple of steps to the left- so did the squirrel. Tried stepping to the right with the same results. Finally he said, 'screw it" and started to come past me. The squirrel jumped 4 feet straight up in the air, puffed his fur out, and let out a screech that could curl your hair! The guy shrieked and went careening off the path through the bushes trying to get away from it. My little furry friend chased him a few feet before coming back to me.

I stood there laughing my ass off. Chipper, as I finally named the little guy, looked at me for a minute, climbed back up into the trees, and proceeded up the path like nothing strange had occurred. When he realized that I hadn't moved yet, he came back, gave me a scolding chitter, and more or less herded me to class.

2. We had moved into a house with a big magnolia tree in the middle of our backyard. There was a squirrel that lived in the tree and was one of the sassiest little things you've ever seen. Scotty would sit in front of the backdoor and whine like crazy to be let out- the squirrel would be out there taunting him. I mean this thing would literally bend over and shake its tail at him.

So one of us would let Scotty out and he'd go tearing across the yard, barking his fool head off, and the squirrel would wait til the last minute and race up the tree. Scotty would bounce around under the branches, growling and waiting for him to come back down. Depending on the season, the squirrel would chunk magnolia pods down at him.

Anyway, one day the little beast was up to his usual tricks. I let Scotty out the back door just as my dad was pulling into the driveway, so he also got to witness what came next. As usual, the squirrel waited til Scotty was right on top of him before tearing up the tree. Only this time, it scampered out onto a branch that had been damaged during a hurricane. as the squirrel started dancing on the branch and chittering at Scotty, there was a loud crack. The branch fell out of the tree with the squirrel clinging to it and landed squarely on Scotty's back. (it was a small limb- probably about 2 feet long and as big around as my thumb) Scotty's feet went out from under him, spread-eagled, like something in a Tom & Jerry cartoon.

He lay there for a minute, stunned. The squirrel seemed to be paralyzed. Then Scotty slowly turned his head so that he was nose to nose with the squirrel. They looked at each other for a moment, the squirrel let out the rodent version of "EEEEEK!" and shot back up the tree with my silly dog woofing at him.

The whole thing probably only lasted a minute or so, but it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I was clinging to the door frame, laughing fit to kill. My dad was sitting on the hood of the car clutching his side, he was laughing so hard. Scotty shook himself and came over to be petted.

The squirrel left him alone for a few days after that. I think he was testing all the branches in the tree to make sure it didn't happen again!

I had to repost these- if you liked them, you can probably find more at: http://rabid-librarian.blogspot.com/

Many blessings and wishes for good things go out to Dewitte for posting this on his blog! THIS made a crappy day much better!

I'm thinking about killing my MySpace page, so I thought I would transfer some random things from it to this blog. Enjoy...or don't.....I just wrote these to amuse myself for the most part. Some of this may already exist here- I'm too lazy to go back and check.

in which the author curses her mother, her cat, and her landlord all while trying to explain to the cops that she doesn't need to be hauled in for disturbing the peace......

Starting with my mother.....when she was here two weeks ago, she informed me (on her way out of town with my dad) that she saw a large snake in my backyard and it had gone under the shed. I don't do snakes, so I decided that it could HAVE the yard- I don't use it much anyway. It's mostly the domain of assorted birds, a squirrel, and the 2 new bunnies that have joined my old one.

I did mention to Chad, my erstwhile landlord, that there was some new wildlife in my backyard- the new bunnies and the snake, and that he could feel free to come do something about the #$^&$#$#W&&@&@$ snake. He said it was probably more scared of me than I was of it (which is also what he claimed about the thing-under-the-house:anybody else see a pattern here?) and not to worry about it, because it proabably wasn't even poisonous. Do I care if the damned thing has venom?!? I do not! I want it terminated with extreme predjudice or I want my rent reduced since the yard is infested with icky things. The boy had the nerve to laugh and call me a hyterical loon.

Now for the cat.....Greymalkin of course, had to zip out between my feet the other night, but I tackled him in the driveway before he made it to the backyard snakepit. (which led to me spending some quality time with the tweezers & peroxide picking gravel out of my arm) But last night, Felicity zipped out before I could squawk "Freeze" and headed for the back yard. I honestly considered abandoning the twit to her fate, but since I've raised her from kittenhood, I just couldn't do it. So without the sense to turn on the back porch light or grabbing a flashlight, I charged into the abyss to rescue my idiot cat.

I should mention that the recent rainy spell we've had has made the grass grow 6 inches overnight. And I was wearing a pair of strappy sandals, leaving my feet largely exposed. So after I scoop up the cat, who was MUCH closer to the snake shed than I was comfortable with, it's understandable that when I felt something long, wet, and slimy brush over the top of my foot I started screaming bloody murder while dancing in place before bolting for the house. (only later realizing that it was probably a long weed or dandelion stem, having seen the trampled patch in the yard in broad daylight.)

Well, hysterical screaming at 2 a.m. prompts my neighbors to call the police, who of course show up while I'm still clutching the yowling cat and having conniptions of my own in the driveway. Since this was Derby weekend, ALL officers were working double shifts and it was my dumb luck to get 4 officers that I actually didn't know. I tried to get them to go snake hunting (which nearly resulted in me getting hauled in for a psych evaluation) and then had to beg them to call some of the guys on their division that I DO know to verify that I wasn't a total nutcase. (showing them my work ID did nothing except make one asshat ask what screening process they used for hiring in our department.) Luckily I was able to get someone to vouch for me, so I was allowed to take the twitling and go inside. But I noticed that they drove down my street hourly after that, until I came into work today. sigh..........

Why I need a significant other (well, not really, but it makes a good title)

I pride myself on not being the kind of woman who seems incapable of carrying her own bags, taking out the trash, or dealing with 1,001 things that SOME women feel like they need a man around the house for. I've also been told that my fiercely independent nature tends to drive men away- oh well, it's not like I can change it. They'll just have to suck it up.

My main girly weakness, however, is critters. Not the Elly Mae Clampett version with 4 legs & fur or 2 legs & feathers. I'm talking about the 6-8 (or more) legged variety as well as the icky slithering,oozing sort. (see earlier post about the snake out back) Back when I had a roommate (the passive-aggressive pig), we had a coded system for me letting him know I had encountered a critter that he needed to come deal with at once. It consisted of me screaming "AAAAAAAAIGH" at the top of my lungs and either dancing in place or tearing through the house to prod him into action.

Since he's been gone, I've had to deal with the damned things myself. (it's totally worth not living with him anymore) I can deal (sort of) with the slugs that get in. I can usually handle the spiders. But the damned crickets are the worst- they leap at you, they crunch if you squish them, and they don't stop wiggling after you squish them. (I know some cultures consider crickets to be good luck- my house is apparently a haven for crickets, so why isn't my luck any better?!?)

Well, this morning, as I'm basking in my nice hot steamy shower, I open my eyes, look to my left, and see a cricket the size of my palm clinging to the shower curtain at eye level with me. Luckily it was between the curtain & curtain liner, but it was still downright unsettling. My shriek prompted the cats to all stop grooming themselves, roll over and go to sleep. The cricket started climbing. I was torn between smacking the liner and knocking it loose (which I opted not to do since that would put it in the tub at my feet) and trying to leap out of the shower without setting it free and having it jump on me. I successfully managed the latter action, but in the meantime, the damn thing somehow disappeared. So now there's a deranged mutant cricket lurking in my house, waiting to attack.

*****FOR RENT*****

2 bedroom, 1 bath house in semi-quiet neghborhood. Fully furnished, also comes with 3 cats as previous tenant is too chickenshit to go back in and collect her stuff.......

Will someone please tell me who decided that women need to shave their legs to be feminine and why I buy into that crap? I lost my mind last night and decided to shave mine. Do you have any idea how long it takes to shave mile-long legs, especially when you're not a contortionist and have to twist your body into ridiculous positions to reach everything?!? Add three curious cats to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. ( Greymalkin: Hey girls, come look at what Mom's doing!   Felicity: What is that foamy stuff on her legs? Can I eat it? YUCK!   Nightshade: Ooooh, you shouldn't have done that....I don't know what moronic fucktarded sandpaper tongued fiend from hell means, but I don't think you're getting any treats tonight. Look, now Mommy has red stuff running down her leg!)

Just think, I come up with this stuff without the benefit of drugs or alcohol.......

I have actually done 1,2,6,7,10,11, & 16. Seriously. How insane is that?

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5.. Put Decaf In The coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Cutbacks, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... SendThisEmailToSomeone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called ....... therapy